Students Read, Drink and Make Love

A Stockton student reads about life in a banned book

Republic, MO—Local students have learned that by reading books they can learn how to get drunk, and live promiscuous lifestyles. Usually these traits are picked up genetically or by observing the behaviors of their parents. Fortunately, two communities in the Ozarks are providing safe havens for students who don’t want to learn about drinking and making love via the pages of a novel.

As of Monday, Republic and Stockton, Missouri have implemented book bans to protect students from reading about intoxication and fornication. Said one parent/school board member Jacked Upe, “We need to protect our children’s innocence. If they read about unruly behavior in the classroom, they might think it okay to act on their findings. For example, after reading some Marcus Aurelius in college, I found it necessary to engage in a proper Roman bathhouse orgy. Yeah it was awesome but I contracted enough syphilis to kill a horse. Our kids don’t need that much syphilis.”

According to parents, students are being exposed to vile behavior by books that they would otherwise never be exposed to by other outside sources such as the internet, radio, television or routine daily conversation. Students have other opinions. “So what are the banned books again? Sweet, I’m going to go straight home and read all of them. If they’re banned, they must be awesome,” said Lucas Kowerly of Stockton, MO.

Several students in Republic have expressed frustration over the issue. Jamie Tollivah said, “This book ban is crap, my buddies and I have read the nastiest books and magazines around and I can’t seem to get laid by anyone, much less find anyone to buy me booze.” The proponents of the book bans are asking that all questionable manuscripts be surrendered by 7pm this coming Friday. The time was designated as such due to local traditions that encourage meth production on the weekends. “We really can’t afford for this book thing to interfere with our main source of income,” said Upe.

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