Squirrel Poachers Plague Nature Center

Freaky scary squirrels face poaching hazards

Springfield, MO- The elusive and endangered gray squirrel is on the brink of extinction thanks to a myriad of squirrel poachers illegally killing the peaceful creatures. The Springfield Nature Center is one of the only sanctuaries for these gentle giants, but even the Center cannot hold against the ruthless killers.

“I don’t think the poachers know the damage they are causing. There are literally only thousands of thousands of squirrels left in the wild. Without the squirrels the acorn population will go nuts. Can you imagine a 2-ton acorn falling on your head? That is the world the poachers are creating,” said Ranger Roger Rollins.

There are many reasons the squirrels are being hunt to extinction. Poachers hunt the squirrels for their priceless pelts, which can be worth up to three dollars on the black market. Also the squirrel’s buckteeth are grinded down for aphrodisiac purposes. And of course, the thrill of hunting the most dangerous game.

“When it comes to dangerous creatures it goes: man, velociraptor, North-American wood ape (sasquatch), genetically altered land shark, then squirrel. The worse things about squirrels are their beady, black, soulless eyes; they are like doll eyes,” states an un-named poacher.

The tactics the poachers use range from cruel to sadistic. Some use poison acorns rendering the squirrel paralyzed unless kissed by a squirrel prince. Others use long-range sniper rifle with pea-sized bullets. And others dress as a sexy female squirrel to bait the helpless males, then hit over the head with a comically large hammer.
“We are doing the best we can”, states Ranger Rollins. “But, there is only so much we can do. Also we hate squirrel droppings on our cars, so this is a win-win situation for us.

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