Springfield, MO- Silver Dollar city revealed it’s new roller coaster “Guiteau’s Bullet” to the crowd of park patrons yesterday. The roller coaster, which reaches speeds of 8 miles per hour, was created and operated by technology only around the 1880’s.
“We decided to put our silver coins where our chops is. We always boast about a genuine old time experience, but we don’t do it. We have toilets instead of outhouses (a mistake we will fix next year), we use money instead of beaver pelts, and no malaria instead of everywhere malaria. But, the worst is our rides that use technology from as recent as last year, that is no way to run an amusement park,” states a spokesman for the park.
The rollercoaster will begin as two donkeys tow the coaster up to a 100 foot drop. At that time the donkeys will be put in the back to cars of the coaster. The coaster will then drop 100 feet and treat the guests to several curves causing many screams and donkey vomit. After that a team of under paid Irish immigrants will pull the coaster up another steep hill. After that the ride stops and a worker tells everyone to close their eyes and pretend the roller coaster is going upside down twice and does a barrel roll. Finally the donkeys get out of the back cars and pull the cart to the finish.
“Man that ride is so sad,” said park attendee Stanley Goalwater. “I couldn’t enjoy it at all. Have you ever heard a donkey scream? Not good. Not good at all.”
“Of course the ride sucks, states park PR rep John Randalls. “It is a tribute to the 1800’s. The 1800’s suck. That is why we got out of there to the 1900’s and so on.
Filed Under: Entertainment