Amazon Introduces The Kindling for Ozarks Book Burners

 

Kindling make burning books so much easier!

Republic, MO- After the banning of certain books by the Republic School board, Amazon decided that the Springfield area would be the perfect place to beta test the new Kindling. With its gasoline-infused wood paneling and faulty circuit board, The Kindling is perfect for book burning. The Kindling is priced at 200 dollars and comes preloaded with banned books such as: Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Ulysses, To Kill A Mocking Bird, and of course Fahrenheit 451.

 

“This is going to save us so much time and money,” said Kurt Twain. “Usually, when we have book burnings it takes hours. Now we can just burn all the banned books in minutes. I can even download multiple copies of a single book. Last week I burned 18 copies of Slaughter House Five in 30 seconds.”

The Kindling has numerous features besides being able to download banned books. It can also play banned music, although at a certain point the Kindling will switch from music to screaming “I am melting, MELTING! What a world.” The device will also be able to play 30 second clips of violent and sexual films such as Clockwork Orange and Caligula and show pictures of risqué paintings.

“This is amazing,” said Candice McDonald. “My group, the Parents Interested in Saving Student’s Youth (or PISSY) wants to keep kids away from all forms of expression that is not appropriate – be it movies, music, or books. Kids should be happy with classics like “The Boxcar Children” and “Mrs. Piggly-Wiggly.” Stories with powerful lessons like clean your room and never question authority. Now, thanks to Kindling we can burn books on our lunch break.”

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