Marshall Law Declared When Chaos Reigns Due to 2.99 Gas

 

Gas station destroyed after rioting

Springfield, MO- The Missouri National Guard responded to Springfield citizens who gave into their darkest, most savage nature when gas prices dropped below $3.00 a gallon this week. With prices so low Springfieldians turned on family, friends, strangers, and societal order to fill their tanks for 5 cents less a gallon. The gas-crazy mob swarmed into gas stations not only with their cars, but on foot carrying gas cans, empty two litter bottles and hollowed out gourds. Within 10 minutes, most of the patrons stripped down to underwear, put on war-paint, and displayed a pig’s head on a stake to claim their pump of choice.

 

Numerous panicked calls from across the city urged that proper authorities be called in. After the Springfield police attempted to quell the violence officials resorted to the Natural Guard, the United States Army, and finally a UN peacekeeping force.

“I have never seen anything like it,” said Private Carl Cage. “Some were just using their own mouths to store gas, like some demented hamsters. Others were just cupping their hands and running really fast.”

Several patrons formed tribes to better control gas pumps. Although many tribes were created, only 3 became the most powerful: the Jet Fuels, the Blood for Oils, and the Carriors.

“Carriors. Come out and play,” said a Jet Fuel member in a high pierce voice as he menacingly twirled a chain.

“Whoever controls the pumps, controls the gas. Whoever controls the gas, controls the world,” claimed Oliver Carter, chief of the Blood For Oils. “An hour ago I was just a regular accountant. Now I am a god.” He then sprinkled gas on his adorning followers.

After 4 hours of tribal rule, the military finally stepped in with rubber bullets, gas pellets, and changing  gas prices to three dollars and five cents.

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