UNINTELLIGENT WOMAN SURPRISINGLY WORRIED ABOUT EMAIL DELIVERY

Like um, what?

Springfield, MO – With the announcement Thursday that the closing of the local Processing and Distribution Center for the U.S. Post Office will be happening sometime this year, local college student Mindy Kapling is being very vocal regarding her concern about her email accounts.  “Like, I know if you put a stamp on it and put it in the box that’s mail, and if it’s sent over the internet that’s email, but I don’t know why the government is choosing to send all our email to Kansas City people. What are they
gonna do with it?”

Mindy’s main concern was protection of her private information.  “I’ve emailed my friends, mom, dad, pastor, professors, therapist, psychic, sister, uncle, and classmates and I’m worried that if someone in Kansas City gets ahold of information about me or anyone I’ve emailed I will, like, go Jack Nicholson and bash a car in with a golf club, because then they can use that information and do something like tell my mom what I told my psychic about her.”

Mindy is a Political Science major with hopes to be “the first female Cabinet member for a really good President.”  She states that in getting into government, she hopes to prevent closings like this in the future.  Mindy stated: “My goal is to make government better so this stuff doesn’t happen to good people like Springfieldians, and also to be invited to Kris and Bruce Jenner’s pool party, so be prepared to vote the Kapling/Kardashian ticket in 2024!”

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