Lake of the Ozarks Promise “Teenage Massacre Free” Lake Fun

New monster strolls into the lake

Lake of the Ozarks- With warmer weather and freedom from school beckoning teenagers to engage in dangerous and promiscuous activities, Lake of the Ozarks is promising a summer free from teenage slaughter. The Tourism Board is offering various activities such as: SeaDo rentals, nature hikes, and not being stabbed or eaten by anything. Many are skeptical that the Board can deliver what it promised.

“I know we had a rough go of things,” states PR rep Jason Voorton. “Last year it was the sharks that somehow got in the lake, who then fed on skinny-dipping teenage flesh; the year before that it was the shipment of piranhas that escaped and ate all those cheerleading camp participants; the previous before that was the psycho killer who focused on girls who recently lost their virginity.”

The rep then started talking about other failures of teenage safety dating back to the 1960’s: alligator attacks, crocodile feeding frenzies, grizzly bear maulings, and all sorts of giant bugs.

“I wish things were simpler,” said senior Megan Saunders, as she did a keg stand while skinny-dipping. “My great-great-grandma said in the 50’s everyone would just dance, drink Kool-Aid, and have a good time. Then she said ‘57 hit and the innocence was lost when the first Lake monster abductions started happening.”

Many teenagers are not afraid of the grave danger that lake life affords.

“Oh, I am sure that was nothing baby,” scoffed quarter back Ted Dawson to his girlfriend in his cherry red convertible parked by the lake. He then continued to comment, “It was just the wind, let’s keep making out. That’s it. WHAT!!! NO PLEASE. AHHHH!” Ted Dawson’s carcass was later found floating faceless in the ink black lake by two old, grizzled, fishermen.

“Oh sure, we are going to lose a couple kids every year to a lake ghost or giant snake. But, it isn’t a massacre until we lose 8. We all deserver a couple mulligans,” Jason said while fishing out Ted’s mutilated body with a large stick.

The powers-that-be are trying numerous things to cut down on the deaths such as adding more police, encouraging assemblage of torch-bearing mobs of angry people, and educating the public with seminars about safety.

“Remember, there is no such thing as safe sex, especially with the water hags hunting for impure flesh. And I know…because I am one!” screamed volunteer Karen Parks at the Abstinence Rally as she removed her disguise to throngs of screaming teenagers.

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