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Doctors Dread Wedding Season “Bouquet” Injuries

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Fighting on the dance floor

Springfield, MO- With wedding season in full swing many focus on the beautiful ceremony, fun receptions, and wishing the new couple off amiss a shower of bird seed or bubbles. But, there is an evil side to the proceedings, a side that many Springfield area health care professionals fear: the bouquet toss. This dark ritual causes numerous injuries (and few deaths) every wedding season, and the staff at Springfield area hospitals have seen the worse.
“It gets ugly,” states Dr. Richard Reed as he stitches a 6 inch long gash in the side of a young woman. “This one got stabbed with the business end of a high heel shoe, or as we like to call it “getting punched by Prada” or “Stiletto Shived”. She was lucky it was only a 4 inch. When it gets 8 inch all we can do is pray and find the next of kin.”
Many doctor agree that the mob mentality of the toss makes woman act less like ladies and more like she-sharks in a feeding frenzy. The women pull hair, slap, gouge out eye balls, attack each other with metal chairs, and bash open skulls with swan shaped ice sculptures.
“The fact that this one item could mean the difference between eternal happiness and dying alone doesn’t help either,” states psychiatrist Dr. Albert Strange. “The women see the flowers as a powerful totem to the gateway ushering them into a life of foot massages, mowed lawns, and daily roses so of course they are going to cut a b***h if they need to.”
Some incidents are worse than others. At an outside ceremony the victims were so numerous they were laid out in the field while EMT’s rushed to the scene.
“It was awful. Blood was everywhere. I had to count to 10 to gain my composure before rushing to one girl who had her leg gnawed off at the knee by another guest. Another girl made the mistake of grabbing the bouquet while it was in the hands of a 35 year old never married woman. Fingers don’t bend that way. Fingers should never bend that way,” states first responder Gavin Rogers as he broke down crying.
Sometimes it is not only the participants in the toss that get hurt. In a ceremony in mid-May a table with 4 candles on it was knocked over when a 23 year old woman was body checked into it. The candles quickly burst the table cloths into flame. 14 souls where lost.
“We just can’t wait till it is over,” states Dr. Reed. “But, after wedding season we have to worry the state of school. You have no idea how many mothers pull muscles after a “my kids are gone” celebrate dance.

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