Area Libraries Hold Tolkien Festival Because Libraries Are Simply Not Dorky Enough

Springfield, MO-  With Springfield Public Libraries’ dork levels at an all time low, many library administers are pulling out all the stops to re-nerdify the sacred geeky haven.  After many failed attempts such as a Star Trek fan fiction night and Dr. Who poetry readings, the powers at be decided a Tolkien Festival will be just the thing to up the dork level to the nerdosphere.
“We think this idea will work wonders to fill the library with the right type of clientele,” says Thaddeus Q. Roddenbary, a level 9 Dungeon Master and  level 12 librarian. “With internet access and community outreach program the library has gotten too main stream. I miss the 50’s and 60’s where all you would see was old ladies and mega-nerd-atrons and Tolkien will make that happen. Out precious [library] will be ours again.”
Tolkien was the perfect choice to bring the nerds out of their parent’s basements and into the library. Some of the events offered by the library will include: Silmarillion  trivia, Hobbit door prizes, and seeing a girl. And of course there will be in-depth conversations featuring Tolkien topic such as: who is hotter: Galadriel or Arwen, what does Elven and Dwarven genitalia look like, and Why don’t Hobbits shave their feet? There will also be a 10 part symposium entitled “ Who would win in a fight“?
“This is going to be great,” Alvin P. Verne, a LARPing enthusiast. “I was afraid to go to the library because now a days it is filled with normals and kids. But, now we are going to be in charge again.” He then flew into manically laughter that was only ended by heavy breathing and needing his inhaler.
Many of the less nerdy patrons of the library are looking forward to seeing the geeks in their full glory. Most have only seen the main stream nerd such as the type that dress up to movie premiers and go to midnight book openings. But, with the coming of the uber-nerds (the nerds who refuse to watching any Dr. Who past the 70’s, smoke pipes while playing D&D, and critique each other’s Dune fan fiction) the library goers are in for a special treat.
“I just can’t wait,” says Megan Classworth. “It will be like an eclipse. An acne covered, no social skills, eclipse. That reminds me, I wonder if any of these guys like Twilight books with all the werewolves and such.”

White River Brewing Co. Will Offer “Build A Beer”
Springfield, MO- White River Brewing is nearly ready to open its door and is trying to set it self apart from the breweries by offering high end beers and offering patrons an unique activity.  Following suit with the “Build A Bear” franchise, the brewery is letting customers make their own beer.
“We wanted to do something different,” says PR rep Matt Stone. “We thought of either a  beer tasting or maybe a beer waterfall like Willy Wonka’s factory. And then one night I was watching a prohibition documentary and thought, ‘All those mobsters are having such a great time: killing people and making hooch. And we can bring that joy to the people of Springfield. Not the killing, they have to do that on their own time.”
When visiting the brewery guests will be moving from station to station,   picking their ingredients: malt extract, brewing grains, hops, yeast, and a variety of sugars. After that they can “dress up” their bottles with various colored labels. The brewery has already let some people preview the activity.
“Oh. I want that one, that one,” said excited 32 year, Tom Barks. “The blue label one with a silver cap. Please let me get it, Wife. Pah-leeese. I will mow the long all month, honest I will.” White River is very pleased about the hands on experience. They know men of all ages will love scooping their own yeast, picking out their grains, finding the perfect malt extract. And if a grain fight erupts after some playful teasing, it will all be in good fun.
“And for the people who really want an experience they can buy a keg and decorate it at the art center. Guys will love to decorate their keg with paintings of ‘The Creation of Man‘, ‘Starry Night‘,  or boobies,” says PR rep Stan Morrison.
The “Build A Beer” activity should be ready of Oktoberfest.

Nixa Water Conservation Bill Gives Rise to Black Market Water
Nixa, MO- With Nixa’s new bill giving harsh penalties for citizens who use more than their far share of water, the local mafia is stepping in to make water abundant for the masses, and money abundant in their pockets.  The numerous water based mob families such as the Eviano Family and the Perrierantes are rushing in to the peaceful town to make a profit at any cost.
The Avanono Family use many  tactics to “irrigate” the area. The family has access to water producing stills, selling hydrogen and oxygen over the counter so customers can make their own water at home, and have numerous “sparkle easies” which are like the 1920’s speak easies, only with water.
“Of those are sparkles easy parties are wild,” said Daisy Buchanan. “Water flows like wine. They have wet T-Shirt contests and literally have pools filled with the stuff. Never seen anything like it since the Nixa flat foots stepped in.”
Although some of the aqua police are trying to stop the tide, many succumb to bribes and temptations. Most of the police will gladly look the other for an extra bottle of water. Most police have a choice: either get shot with a real gun, or get playfully squirted by a delighting water pistol.  Many chose the transparent green option.
The water is being smuggled into Nixa through numerous ways: Water mules will swallow water balloons that can be recovered once they pass the check point, many liters can also be disguised as soda through mislabeling and food coloring, also hundreds of water pipes leading into the city (which is the most effective).
Although there is risk, many reap the awards. Jay “The Wet” Gatspray made millions off black market water deals thanks to his dealings with the Perrierantes. Jay’s mansion on the west side of Nixa is a social hot stop with numerous parties every weekend. There his adoring guests can do “barrel stands” where a person is literally dipped in the “clear gold.” Another millionaire caused by water sales is Weto “The God Water” Carleone. Through tactics of intimidation such as threats of water boarding and shark-filled dunk tanks, Weto has a water empire that rivals Atlantis.
Nixa has no plans of giving up the conservation bill and forming a group cops named the Unwettables to stand up to the wave of corruption.