FairCityNews.com | Feb 14, 2013 | Comments 0
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Pig Queen eludes capture
Springfield, MO- The Ozarks has a new threat to deal with: feral hogs. The furious beast not only tear up the ground, but eat precious acorns and devour turkey eggs, which Ozark hillbillies use for food and currency. Because the pigs are overtaking the most the region, the Missouri government has to step in. A team of “Forest Marines” and a civilian, who has dealt the hogs before, were dispatched to the area to wipe out the creatures.
“We are the best of the best,” said Major Rex Killzone. “Those pigs don’t stand a chance. When it comes to nature versus technology, tech always wins. Just like in all those James Cameron movies.”
The plan is to drop the marines deep in the hog infested area. Once there they will set a perimeter using rifles and sling shots. Their main goal is exterminating as many pigs as possible and to locate the infamous “pig queen.”
“I am pretty sure that thing is just a stupid myth,” states Commander Grand Deathman with extreme, unfounded hubris. “Just like how I don’t believe the pigs will outnumber us, break through the perimeter, and rip us to shreds.” The operation went smooth until the pigs outnumbered the marines, broke through their perimeter, and started tearing them to shreds.
“Match finished, guy. Match finished, guy,” said Deathman right before two pigs tore through the brushes and dragged him to the darkness. The other marines where gored by the tusks, stamped to death by hoofs, and slowly gnawed to death.
Luckily, the one civilian named Eileen Riptide was able to destroy the pigs and their queen with the use of moonshine powered flame thrower. Eileen says the fight with the pigs is not over, but the next two fights will be awful and very, very hard to watch.
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