Springfield, MO – Hundreds of eyewitnesses gave firsthand accounts of a woman who had flatuleted her own pants away at the 32nd Sertoma Chili Cook-Off. Spectators suggest she consumed too much chili for her own good very early in the day and all the beans caught up to her in the end. “I….I was standing behind her,” said a trembling Howard Tifferton, “I heard a tremendous explosion from her backside. She dropped a bomb of a fog slicer. When I gained consciousness I had her pant materials on my leg. She released a flame thrower that ripped apart her pants…I still have horrible flashbacks…and the material.”
Many attendees assumed the lady was merely dressing like so many other “sexy-chili-chicks” and didn’t give it much thought. “I saw her and mentioned it to a friend. He told me the real story and I was horrified,” said Lainey Yonkers, “I was too embarrassed to tell her about her cheeky peep show…I would have felt the breeze and known…I guess her rectal snort scorched her skin like acid rain from a brown cloud. I felt a little sorry for her.”
Most observers and survivors of the incident were completely befuddled by the woman’s undergarments keeping intact. “Yeah, I’m thankful she kept those but how does that happen? It must have been a mean mustard gas that seeped out, built up pressure and then ripped away. Talk about a skunk in your trunk,” said Polly Versailles, “I can just imagine her horror when she finally realized her force-fart provided a butt cheek boondoggle.”
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