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Bluegrass Feud Claims Another Victim

Missouri and Kentucky bluegrass performers clash, leading to more violence.

Bolivar—Around 8 pm yesterday unknown assailants drove pick-up trucks past Hank “Flash-Fingers” Wallace’s cabin and pelted it, and him, with dead opossums.

Hank, known as “Flash-Fingers” due to his fast banjo picking digits, was a notable player in Missouri-style bluegrass—he was a perfect target. He now stands in a long line of victims starting with the late Herby Smith (1921-1974). “Poor Herby,” an unknown witness stated in a closed interview, “he loved his Kentucky bluegrass so much, he never saw that water moccasin a’comin’.” In the summer of ’74, Herby’s death was immortalized by the bluegrass song “Snake!”.

“Of course we are worried about escalation,” said county sheriff Ruby Krimmel. “Things have calmed down a bit since ’74, but things are starting to heat up. Today it is opossums, what’s next? Armadillos? Duck decoys? Its boggles the mind.” Many Kentucky and Missouri residents fear getting caught in the crossfire.

“I don’t even take my kids to the county fair no more,” stated Mary Hassil, mother of 8,”especially after the county fair incident of ‘88″. Of course Mary is talking about the infamous attack where 18 members of the Missouri band “Blue Oxes” snuck into western Kentucky and pelted the performing “Bluegrass Is Always Bluegreener” band with dead frogs. “It was chaos,” stated Mary in tears, “They were out numbered 18 to 6 and they had bull frogs. Innocent people got hurt.”

It is still unknown today how the Missourians got into Kentucky’s borders without proper documentation. “Someone bribed someone with walnuts,” a Kentucky state trooper speculated. Only time will tell when these two warring factions will make peace and put the difference behind them. The feud started in 1967 and had something to do with a chicken wearing a hat.

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  1. pancreas says:

    Little known fact: Ned Beatty still cries at the sound of bluegrass.