Rogue Trees Get Payback

This tree was a bad apple as a sapling

Springfield, MO—During the month of April, local trees claimed to pay back Springfieldians with potential lifetime benefits, however, several trees on the Drury campus had another message for locals.

“This tree hasn’t done anything for us lately” and “This tree was kind of a dick to us in high school” messaging was found hanging on the life enhancing, carbon absorbing deciduous organisms prompting a inquiry into specific tree contributions.

The Missouri Department of Conservation Tree Tag project claims that they randomly placed tree tags upon visible trees to promote their message according to the Davey Tree Calculator and did not take into account the actual personality of each tree before tagging it.

This tree was not very nice to us

“I found a tree claiming to benefit society, but when I was a kid, I climbed that bastard and it dropped me like a sack of succubus when I climbed too high for its fragile branches. Why didn’t it grow faster and stronger to support my weight? Well let’s just ask the tree,” said Newton Humphreys, a local protester to the Tree Tag effort.

“MDoC should really take into consideration the personalities of these trees before randomly assigning benefits to it. Much in the same way acknowledgments are bestowed upon upstanding citizens in our society who turn out to be turd-suckers,” said Melissa Silverstone, a sophomore at Drury University.

Benefits such as shade, increased property value, and electricity bill reductions are neglected when bad seed trees promote the helpful features to humankind. Silverstone said, “we simply ask that the trees be given background checks before spokestreehood.”

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