Springfield, MO—This past weekend, Battlefield Mall security apprehended at least eight suspects for cougar hunting out of season. Every year, on the first of August, the cougars tend to migrate back to retailers in an attempt to find good deals on clothing for their young. Known for their ferocious attitude, raw sex appeal and sixth sense when it comes to finding a deal, these creatures are a hunter’s delight. After school starts, however, cougar hunting becomes strictly relegated to their natural habitat of fitness centers around the city.
A group of college students from out of state were unaware of this law when they came to the Battlefield Mall in an attempt to capture a cougar. “How was I supposed to know that it was out of season? I was just hoping to capture a blonde one and have her take me back to her den,” one of the hunters said.
Head of Battlefield Mall security, Paul Barnhardt stated, “Ignorance of the law is no excuse. If these boys wanted to capture them a cougar, then they should have been here during J.C. Penney’s back to school sale; it was like shooting metaphorical fish in a barrel. Now that school has started, they would be hard-pressed to find even a puma in the wilds of the mall. It’s like actually shooting fish in a barrel now which, if you watch Mythbusters, is actually quite hard.”
Catching these eight hunters is a big win for mall security, but the war isn’t over yet. “Sure, it may deter hunters for a little while, but they’ll be back. Labor Day is coming up and every year, that weekend is nothing but trouble. You’ve got cougars who are prowling for last bits of deals and it’s just too tempting for some people. We’ve got to remember that they need their space.”
One of the arrested men was unapologetic for his actions as he reminisced over years past. “I’ll never forget the first time my dad took me cougar hunting when I was eight years old. He used me as bait by having me walk up to a cougar and say ‘will you help me find my daddy?’ After the cougar reunited me with my father he’d say ‘don’t run away from me like that again. You’re all I’ve got now that your mother has passed away.’ And then we’d go get an Orange Julius. It was a great father/son bonding experience and I want the same thing for my son, one day.”
Filed Under: Entertainment