Mega Millions Winner Plans for Ruined Life

Mega Millions winner plans for lonely, ruined life ahead

Springfield, MO—At the end of the night, Lauren Whocheck of Nixa, MO, held the winning Mega Millions lottery ticket netting a $225 million in a lump sum payment. Whocheck said she was at first very happy, then realized that the money would eventually ruin her mediocre, but livable life.

After accepting the cash lump sum payment Whocheck plans to waste a considerable amount of funds on frivolous purchases, make several ill-advised loans to long-lost relatives and strangers, develop a costly drug addiction and hopes to have two fat nickels to rub together two years from now.

“I’ll likely blow all of that cash in a short amount of time, put on a few dozen pounds and unable to trust anybody will become a slobbering recluse,” pondered Whocheck, “I’m sure the pressure will be too much for me to bear.”

Going from jackpot to crackpot is common among first time lottery winners. The loneliness that ensues after winning such a huge sum of money often ostracizes the winner from their working class society and leaves them with little in common with already established financially independent people.

“At first I was disappointed I didn’t win, for just a little while. Then I realized I could have won and my entire life would have been ruined,” said Norris Beamer of Boliver, MO, one of millions of people who lucked out by not having their numbers called.

Before the money runs out and her cats are held for ransom, Whocheck said she would enjoy purchasing Charlie Sheen for one evening and snorting cocaine off his glorious man teats. “I’m not much for giving to charities,” she confessed.

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