All Entries Tagged With: "New Year"
Man Celebrates Keeping Year Long Resolution
Springfield, MO – Local dude Charlie Twittens celebrated completion of his year-long resolution today to avoid eating goldfish. The resolution was the first that Twittens has ever been able to keep for a full 365 days. “I’ve tried to quit smoking, cursing and eating bad foods, but I always came up short. This past year […]
Man Resolves to Not Make Resolutions
Springfield, MO – Jackson Henderson has made his intent known to family and friends that he will not be making any New Year’s resolutions this year. In fact, he is steadfast in picking up new bad habits to enhance his life. “Jackson showed up to the New Year’s party smoking cigarettes, chewing tobacco and wearing […]
Rain Dance Flub
BeeBe, AR. – News of the estimated 1,000 dead black birds that seemed to rain from the sky last Friday in nearby Arkansas has authorities and locals stumped as to the cause of this strange event – until now. Local medicine man of the Quapaw Ouachita Mountain Indian Reservation has came forward and confessed that […]
Mega Millions Winner Plans for Ruined Life
Springfield, MO—At the end of the night, Lauren Whocheck of Nixa, MO, held the winning Mega Millions lottery ticket netting a $225 million in a lump sum payment. Whocheck said she was at first very happy, then realized that the money would eventually ruin her mediocre, but livable life. After accepting the cash lump sum […]
Bottle Rocket War in Nixa This Year!
Nixa, MO—Monday night, the Nixa Board of Alderman unanimously voted for an awesome bottle rocket war in their city. Venders are allowed to continue to sell the small sky rockets guided by the mouth of a bottle. Usually considered a unique hazard, due to their ability to fly in many different directions other than vertically, […]
Knievel to Perform “James River” Jump at First Night Springfield
Springfield, MO—Ramp construction at Hwy 65 and James River Freeway is nearing the final stages for the Robbie Knievel “James River” jump on December 31st. First Night Springfield organizers are excited to announce that the daredevil has visited the site numerous times to inspect the progress and take measurements prior to his record-breaking jump in […]
Lazy Neighbor Activates Ever-Present Holiday Lights
Springfield, MO—Neighborhood scourge, Jimmy Holstein, lit up his omnipresent holiday lights on Tuesday, bringing to life a sting of laziness that has hung on his roof since 2005. “The first year Holstein moved in, we all thought it was very festive that he hung Christmas lights. Then New Years came and went, and then Valentine’s […]
