Archive for April, 2011
Tornado Warning Issued Until October
Springfield, MO—Local meteorologist have issued a tornado warning to last the entire spring and summer of 2011: experts expect the alert to expire sometime in early October. “The Ozarks are blessed with fantastic weather, we just have a small patch of time -7 months – when God’s finger can destroy your home, belongings and […]
Einstein Bros Bagel Company Creates Uranium Enriched Bagel
Springfield, MO- After years of pain-staking research, Einstein Bros Bagel Company finally created its first uranium enriched bagel. The bagel has not only been described as delicious, but also low in fat and high in death; the destroyer of worlds. The bagel is on sale now and is a big hit with numerous demographics. […]
1950’s Ad Executives, Private Investigators, and Hollywood Starlets All Decry Smoking Ban
Springfield, MO- According to numerous sources, many 1950’s Ad Executives, Private Investigators, and Hollywood Starlets decried the smoking ban that passed in Springfield on April 5th. The ban, starting June 5, will restrict smoking in all public buildings such as restaurants, clubs, or bars. “I can’t believe this“, states Grant Rogers as he nervously […]
Trap Door/Wolf Pit Added To John L. Morris’s Office
Springfield, MO—Last week John L. Morris, owner of Bass Pro, defended a need for trap-door/wolf pit added to his office. “I know due to the tough economic times many higher levels executives are called to tone down superficial items. But, a hidden trap door leading to a wolf pit is an absolute necessity,” stated […]
Three Tourists Beheaded at Mexican Villa
Springfield, MO— Mexican Villa, a long-standing Ozarks’ tradition of fine Mexican Food saw three tourist’s heads removed with satisfaction last night. The diners were invited by their local hosts as guests to enjoy the Mexi-Ozarks cuisine; none expected heads to be lost over the meal. Lori McUli said, “our friends were in from Columbia […]
April Horoscopes
Fair City News is proud to present monthly horoscopes to help readers navigate life’s hills and valleys. Zodiac icons designed by Aaron Thweatt
Local Man Tries Too Hard on April Fools’ Day
Springfield, MO—Larry Hardy has successfully irritated everyone he came in contact with this first day of April by hoaxing, joking and generally displaying poor taste. His hijinks included a myriad of lies, outrageous claims and semi-serious statements to evoke a small bit of laughter to sooth his self-righteous sense of comedy. “I saw Larry […]
