Children Affected After Jump Mania Outbreak

Child affected with Jump Mania syndrome

Springfield, MO—Thousands of children in the Ozarks have been diagnosed with a certain psychiatric disease known only as “Jump Mania”. Children have been seen jumping uncontrollably across the city in grocery stores, libraries and schools at random.

Dr. Rufus Sondgram said, “Jump Mania varies in intensity, from mild jump to full-blown mania with psychotic features including hallucinations, delusion of grandeur, suspiciousness, catatonic behavior, aggression, and a preoccupation with thought and schemes that may lead to self neglect such as not taking time to tinkle, take naps or eat snacks.”

“My 3 year old was jumping around the house playing ‘don’t touch the ground’ because he was undergoing a hallucination of hot lava covering our carpet. He jumped from the couch to the table to the living room chair to avoid his perceived illusion,” said Sarah Kimmons of Springfield. To counter the vicious outbreak a triage has been established on the south side of town 2745 S. Kansas Expressway.

Affected children seeking treatment are encouraged to visit between the hours of 10 and 7 for an initial screening for $5.00. Children are presented with a series of obstacles and ‘jumping’ tests. If a child is found to have been infected with Jump Mania parents are instructed to treat the child with healthy doses of anti-jumping phrases such as “it’s bath time”, “finish your dinner”, or “time to pick up”.

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