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Man Resolves to Not Make Resolutions

Man gives up resolutions for New Year's

Springfield, MO – Jackson Henderson has made his intent known to family and friends that he will not be making any New Year’s resolutions this year. In fact, he is steadfast in picking up new bad habits to enhance his life.

“Jackson showed up to the New Year’s party smoking cigarettes, chewing tobacco and wearing a Nicotine patch. When I asked what he was doing, he cursed at me. He never cursed before,” said girlfriend Nola Friendster.

Henderson claims his healthy lifestyle in previous years has proved to be too boring and restricting, “I was sick of the lifestyle. So now I’m eating red meat and chugging alcohol for breakfast. Why not? I mean some people live their entire lives having not eaten the belly out of a seagull. I can now say that I’ve done that. Just now. And I was a vegetarian 2 hours ago. Loved it.”

According to reports, Henderson is living the life he always wished he had. “Jackson was in great spirits tonight, I’ve never seen him happier,” said longtime friend Hank Sevens. “He would normally be sulking in the corner eating Triskets and drinking tea, but tonight he was actually having fun.”

Experts disagree about the choices exhibited by Henderson, however “if farting and eating beef jerky all day provides him happiness, I’m not one to hold him back,” said Dr. Gail Lowry.

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