Extremely Slow Car Chase in our City

Iddy-biddy car chase was weawy slow

Springfield, MO – A fleeing perp in a Chevy Dolt led a mad car chase at speeds up to 45 mph through the streets in our fair city yesterday, while veteran traffic Officer Joe Krupke  adroitly followed in his government issued Dolt.

The chase ended abruptly when the speeding dolt’s battery went dead.  Officer Krupke said his speed was held down by the weight of gas in the tank while the perp was running empty because he didn’t know about putting gas in the car.  Civilian helicopter pilot, Ace Westlake, was flying over the city at the time and said it looked like a game of Frogger from the air.

A police spokesperson suggested Mr. Westlake has dated himself and should check with his grandchildren for a current video game to make more up to date comparisons on future police reports.  This morning a White House press secretary issued a statement that the dolt could have gone much faster than 45 if it had been on an interstate highway with a strong tailwind – at least 70 mph, and maybe 100 on a good day.

Any suggestion that the dolt is limited in speed and range is just an election year slander by global warming deniers.  The perp was not wearing a seat belt and nobody was tasered in the incident.

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