Criminals Anxiously Await Night Out Celebrations

Criminals can’t believe their good fortune

Springfield, MO – Thousands of local citizens will gather in public places to heighten crime prevention awareness, strengthen neighborhood spirit and police-community partnerships, and generate support for participation in local anticrime programs…while criminals ransack their unoccupied homes.

“This is seriously, like the best thing to ever happen to us,” said criminal Bluto Snatchnsuck, “I’m planning to hit pull in enough robberies to last me all year in this one night.” Citizens are prepared to send a message to criminals letting them know that neighborhoods are organized and willing to fight back. “By leaving my home and demonstrating in a public place, I’ll be able to strike fear into the hearts of those who want to deprive me of my hard earned possessions,” said Amy Dingaling of Ravenwood South.

Organized crime syndicates, loosely assembled former prisoners, and whacked out meth heads have prepared for this celebration since it was announced nationally. “So ah, yeah, we gots guys ready to go,” said Babyface Nickles of the Bambino family, “I couldn’t tank the government enough for allowing us to have this bail out opportunity during this down economy.”

Residents of Midtown, Doling Park, Grant Beach, Woodland Heights and Fulbright Springs are expected to turn out in force and return home to empty dwellings. “We are waiting for the celebrations to be moved to Rivercut, Highland Springs, Hickory Hills and the Ravenwood Spring Creek areas. That would be a coupe!” said Snatchnsuck.

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Filed Under: Crime


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