Springfield, MO- With the new Walmart successfully rezoned near downtown, Walmart Spokesmen assures downtown regulars that this won’t be their “Father’s Wal-Mart”. The downtown Walmart is promised to bring a vibrant, cultural experience to area youths.
“Listen, we understand what you cats are jiving about,” says 58 year old Walmart public relations manager, Kurt Stevens, while wearing a denim vest decorated with various buttons. “You want a place to hang with your homies and shorties and baby mamas and twitters. We will give you that…and a bag of chips.”
The Walmart plans to cater to the youth by keeping well stocked shelves of Mountain Dew, Monster, and Red Bull. “I love this stuff,” says Stevens as he takes a giant gulp of Red Bull and then vomiting all over the podium. “It gives me wings.”
Walmart is also planning community outreach programs to reach all demographics. Singles night, ladies’ night, live bands covering 90’s soft rock, and poetry slams will all be experienced at the new location as well as low, low prices.
But, the new Walmart still as much opposition as numerous young people are still protesting the location. But, the numbers grow fewer and fewer everyday.
“Oh those guys,” said Stevens. “We love those guys. We invite them to the back room with the non-suspicious human sized pods, talk to them for a little bit behind closed doors, and when they leave – they are all for the project.”
Walmart also has a room labeled “Room 101” for special cases of disobedience. “Oh don’t worry about that,” says Stevens. “Don’t worry about that or the rat squealing or the screams. Here, have some coupons.”
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