All Entries Tagged With: "walmart"
Walmart Eyes Heer’s Building for WalTower
Springfield, MO – Following a legal battle over the near-downtown location of a proposed Walmart Neighborhood store at Grand and Campbell, Walmart officials are now targeting expansion into the historic Heer’s Building on the square. “The building has seen several attempts at development. We are proposing the world’s first multi-story Walmart facility. The high-rise Walmart […]
Time Traveler Warns Springfield About New Walmart’s Impact
Springfield, MO- A crowd was amazed yesterday when a time traveler hailing from Springfield’s near future decried the construction of the new Neighborhood market on Campbell Street. The traveler, named Kyle Reese, said that the market will spell doom for downtown, Springfield, and the world. Wearing super futuristic glasses and hair all spiked up and “future […]
New Downtown Walmart Offers Cool Hipster Hangout
Springfield, MO- With the new Walmart successfully rezoned near downtown, Walmart Spokesmen assures downtown regulars that this won’t be their “Father’s Wal-Mart”. The downtown Walmart is promised to bring a vibrant, cultural experience to area youths. “Listen, we understand what you cats are jiving about,” says 58 year old Walmart public relations manager, Kurt Stevens, […]
First Lady Sucked Into Local Politics
Springfield, MO – Walmart confirmed their latest strategy to approve the new Neighborhood Market by enlisting First Lady Michelle Obama on her visit Springfield to meet with Mayor Stephens (who is visiting Washington D.C.). A White House spokesman stated, “The First Lady personally wants to inspect the location in question to see what the federal government […]
Romantic People of Walmart in SGF
SPRINGFIELD (MO) – Many Springfield residents met last week to discuss the pros and cons of building a new Walmart store in the downtown area. After more than an hour of impassioned pleas from the gallery, the Springfield Zoning and Planning Commission recommended approval for a Walmart Neighborhood Market near the intersection of Campbell and […]
Soccer Mom Vows To Find iPhone Stolen from Prius
Springfield, MO – With warmer temperatures causing people to be more out and about, Springfield car break-ins are at an all-time high. But, one Springfield citizen refuses to take the crime spree sitting down. Elizabeth Cleaver, a 39-year-old soccer mom, found her Prius’s window smashed and her iPhone stolen on Wednesday, as well as her […]
Handicap Signage Promotes Racism
Springfield, MO – A painted parking spot elicited racist emotions on the south side of the queen city after a short shopping spree at the Walmarts. A large white handicap image can be clearly seen crushing the head of a black handicapped image. “What the f*ck is that!?” said George Tillawhack, as he walked by […]
Walmart Sign Goes Up Without the “S”
Springfield, MO – The newest Walmart Neighborhood Market located on Glenstone Avenue is primed and ready to open despite hanging the incorrect signage above the main entrance. According to several hundred passing drivers, the sign in missing the “S” at the end of the word. “I been to Walmarts going on now thirty years. Aight […]
Walmart to Develop Wal-borhoods for More Neighborhood Markets
Springfield, MO – The Bentonville, AR based retail giant Walmart has announced plans to build more neighborhoods in the Ozarks to accommodate their growth plan for the area. Walmart will begin construction on the communities this fall which will allow time to build the Neighborhood Markets to support them by early next year. The […]
