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RSSArchive for 2013

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Man Celebrates Keeping Year Long Resolution

Springfield, MO – Local dude Charlie Twittens celebrated completion of his year-long resolution today to avoid eating goldfish. The resolution was the first that Twittens has ever been able to keep for a full 365 days. “I’ve tried to quit smoking, cursing and eating bad foods, but I always came up short. This past year […]

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Elf Massages Half Off This Week!

Springfield, MO – Tiny Hands Massage & Spa has announced a half off deal for the Elf Massage package that includes at least a dozen elves rubbing down customers with itty-bitty hands and fingers. The package normally runs $120/hour but is being offered at $60/hour as an after Christmas sale. “I’ve had the elf massage. […]

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Square Rats Have Christmas Tree Set

Springfield, MO – To celebrate the holiday season, a giant Christmas tree has been placed on the square by the tough personalities who hang out downtown. The ‘Emo Tree’ was a symbol of unity among those who spend most of their days sitting, standing or laying around the square. “I think the Emo Tree is […]

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SnakeOil December

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Skateport King Loses Battle to MODOT, Rink to Close

Springfield, MO –Skateport King Barry Melvin released a statement announcing the closure of Skateport next year, a place that some consider a local landmark. The closure was deemed necessary by MODOT and is expected to ease congestion on south Glenstone with a new access road located at the site. Melvin appointed himself “King of Skateport” […]

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Downtown to Host 5k for 5k Awareness

Springfield, MO – According to a recent poll, Springfieldians are less aware of the importance of 5k fundraising and will be enlightened by this 5k for 5k Awareness run. Event staff are accepting applications now and are continuing education around 5k benefits to runners and charity recipients. “We want to communicate to our community that […]

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Jimm’s New Menu Features More Consonants!

Springfield, MO – Enthusiasts of Jimm’s Steakhouse & Pub will be excited to learn that a new menu will be unveiled early next year, one that contains additional letters to popular menu item descriptions. The updated menu will feature renamed favorites such as Escagott, Blackk & Bleu Saladd, and Grilledd Meatloaff. “We hired a branding […]

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Plane Crashing Into Meteor Landing on Meth House Creates Loud Booms

Springfield, MO – Thousands of citizens experienced a very rare noise last night as a military plane broke the sound barrier and immediately collided with a meteorite entering Earth’s atmosphere, then both landed atop a well-known meth house causing a secondary explosion. “I heard it at my pappy’s house down in Nixa, never thought I’d […]

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Traffic Report

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KY3 Trades Jacob to KSPR for Draft Picks, Cash

Springfield, MO – KYTV has announced a trade to sister station KSPR this week involving on air talent Jerry Jacob and Joe Daues that includes first round draft picks and cash considerations. Terms of the deal have not been finalized but details have emerged exclusively for our readers. “Most people aren’t aware of the January […]

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December Horoscopes

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Giant Snowman Farting Snowflakes Over Ozarks

Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service has confirmed that a gigantic snowman stretching 2-miles high, has been responsible for the farting snowflakes over the Ozarks this week. The sputtering of snow began after the lumbering 10,560 foot ate some bad shrimp during its journey from North Texas to the East Coast. The NWS, tasked […]

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Home Schoolers Get Snow Day Shaft

Springfield, MO – For the second school day in a row, home school students are stuck inside their classrooms not able to go outside and enjoy the snow while Springfield Public School scholars are free to make snowmen, sled and pound each other with snowballs. “Seriously, I gotta stay inside again and study while the […]

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Customized Tank Shop Coming to Town!

Republic, MO – The city of Republic has announced that a $4.8 million manufacturing plant being built there should create 77 new jobs to construct awesome customized tanks. Sherlock Metal Masters, a company that designs and fabricates custom tanks with a variety of options including chop tops, show-stopping suicide-style, gull-wing or flip-up doors, custom grill, […]

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Fail Sign