Archive for 2014
Fantastic Sam’s Caverns Opening July 2015
Springfield, MO – After much debate, locals and tourists alike are rejoicing at the announcement/agreement that has merged two beloved pastimes – haircuts and cave tours to form Fantastic Sam’s Caverns. The new twist on the cro-magnon hipster movement is all the rage with young Springfieldians and history buffs alike. Fantastic Sam’s Caverns will offer […]
First Day of School Cancelled Due to Snow
Springfield, MO – Children across the Ozarks were thrilled to learn that the first day of school has been cancelled due to an imposing threat of snowy weather. Officials claim that the trend which extended the school year into late spring has resurfaced. “We saw a weather pattern yesterday that indicated a 2% chance of […]
Missourians’ Right to Breathe upheld on Tuesday
Constitutional Amendment 86, known informally as the Right to Breathe Act, and known even more informally as “The Hot Air Bill,” passed by an undeniable majority at the polls this Tuesday. The bill—on the ballot alongside other amendments concerning gun control restrictions, factory farms, and internet privacy—upholds a god-given right that was in no way actually […]
Dozens of Homes Robbed During National Night Out Event
Springfield, MO – Several families returned home after attending the National Night Out event to find that their homes had been ransacked by criminals while the homeowners were out meeting local law enforcement, fire departments and other organizations during America’s Night Out Against Crime at Meador Park. The annual event, focused on safety and crime […]
Dinosaur’s Fate Debated by Scientists
Springfield, MO –Local scientists are hotly debating the recent disappearance of Dino, a green fiberglass dinosaur located on hole number six at Fun Acre Mini Golf. Originally installed in 1987, the dinosaur was a permanent fixture until last Wednesday when it vanished overnight. Researchers claim that a series of events could have caused the dinosaur […]
Uncle Si Cup Production Moved to SGF
Springfield, MO – The A&E hit show Duck Dynasty has touched the Ozarks in the form of a plastic cup facility, at the site of the former Solo Cup plant on North Glenstone Ave. Duck Dynasty is an American reality television series that portrays the lives of the Robertson family, who became wealthy from their […]
417 Launches Social Trash Contest
Springfield, MO – Inspired by similar recent Social Media competitions, Springfield City Council this week launched its ’417Trash’ initiative which plans to keep swarms of young people staring at their phones while collecting trash late into the night. The rules are simple: The city of Springfield, using its @417Trash Twitter account, releases a series of […]
Branson’s “Number Ones” Raided
Branson, MO - Fourteen Branson theaters learned that the Federal Trade Commission’s Division of Advertising Practices have been conducting an investigation into their advertising practices when they were raided by agents on Monday morning shutting down most matinees. While the federal investigators refuse to comment on the nature of the investigation, two theater owners requesting anonymity, […]
New Bills Limit Beehives in SGF
Springfield, MO – Members of the public will have the opportunity to comment on versions of two bills that would restrict beehives in public. The new bills would allow a variety of hives on heads with faces 10 inches long, but restrict hives on heads less than 5 inches in length. According to the new […]
Mike The Intern
Usually at this time of the year, I will write a list of songs that will get your patriotic side pumped, but this time I figured I would write a list of songs that talk about the stuff that makes our country great. One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer – George Thorogood Tons of booze. […]
Battlefield Mall Makes Way For “Diagon Alley: Springfield” Attraction
Springfield, MO – The City of Springfield has agreed to remove portions of the Battlefield Mall to create an attraction that will be known as “Diagon Alley: Springfield”. Diagon Alley is a fictional street in the Harry Potter novels where Harry and his friends shop to obtain school supplies. Because of the large number of […]
