All Entries Tagged With: "Florida"
Springfield Youth To Protest RNC and Hurricanes
Springfield, MO- With the Republican National Convention and Hurricane Isaac both scheduled to take place this week, many Springfield youths are set to travel to Florida to protest them both. “The Republicans and hurricanes don’t care about poor people,” says protester Gary Morgan, “One destroyed New Orleans, and the other ruined it.” Many protestors are […]
Huge Freaking Cardinals Invade Springfield
Springfield, MO – Swarms of red-feathered beasts flocked into the Ozarks Monday evening, and collected at Hammons Field near downtown Springfield. “The big cards are here!” screamed Joey Huffington, an 8th grader who screeched his terrifying message while running hysterically from a nearby parking garage. According to sources, the large, flight-enabled monsters regularly appear around […]
Ozarkers Burn Cashew Chicken in Protest
Springfield, MO—Local Ozarkers are turning up the heat to pressure Rev. Terry Jones, the head of a small Florida church, who plans to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11th. Several southwest Missourians plan to protest Jones’ radical plan by incinerating something close to their hearts: Springfield-style cashew chicken. “I think if you sacrifice […]
Fugitive Escapes, Trims Hedges
Branson, MO—Oscar Eugene Richardson, known in the Ozarks as Eugene Ward, was sentenced Monday to 366 days in jail stemming from his 1979 Florida prison escape. On Tuesday, he promptly escaped by walking away from the Taney County jail. Norman Hankey, a jailer, said, “I don’t know how he does it. First in Florida; now […]
Oil-Soaked Fisherman Wash Into Ozarks
Springfield, MO — Oil-covered fisherman and oil-soaked tourism proprietors have reportedly washed into the Ozarks as a result of the Gulf Oil Disaster. The effort to save Homo sapiens affected by the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has reached the shores of Greene County as people stricken by the disaster move north […]
Local Tax Dollars Continue to Head Out-of-State
Springfield, MO—Fortunately, public service leaders, such as the Springfield School District, are making the tough call to outsource much needed local project work to non-Missourians. “Ozarkers pay a lot of good money in taxes to pay for upgrades in public facilities and we’re here to protect our residents from the incapable architects in this community […]
Bailiff Busted: Removes Self From Courtroom
Bentonville, AR—Three-and-a-half months since her first arrest, a county bailiff was taken into custody again on Sunday effectively removing her from her former position within the court system. Reportedly, 35-year-old Roz Russell was driving recklessly at around 3:00 a.m. She was pulled over a by a deputy and then refused to submit to an intoxication […]
