All Entries in the "Technology" Category
Auto Magic Turns Subaru into Mercedes
Springfield, MO—A car wash customer has witnessed a modern-day miracle at a local wash-rinse-and-go business. Luell Johnagain drove his 1989 Subaru GL AWD Turbo Wagon and drove off with a Mercedes V10 Quad Turbo with a body made of white gold. All who witnessed the automotive magic were stunned and left in utter disbelief. According […]
Local Post Office Tests Stamps for E-mail
Nixa, MO—In the wake of the recent projected financial loss of more than 7 billion, the United States Post Office has been searching avidly for new sources of revenue or cost cutting methods, and they just might have found one: stamps for your e-mail. “We had heard that there was a way to transmit letters […]
Local Video Store takes on Netflix, Redbox
Springfield, MO – A local movie rental company believes their business model is sound. It just needed some tweaking to compete with Netflix and Redbox in the Southwest Missouri market. “People love shopping at video rental stores,” said local Movie Holla’ Manager Dewey Dom. “The drive to the store, the smell of it, arguing with […]
Google’s Fiber Could Make Springfield Go 100x Faster
Springfield, MO—Local government officials have unanimously approved a resolution to support the city’s participation in the Google Fiber Communities project to increase “download regularity”. “Chronic web constipation is a problem I face everyday. Getting stopped up while downloading a movie is something I just can’t stomach,” said Joey Saddle, sophomore at Missouri State University. According […]
Lamar Uses Magic Beans to Form Billboard Messages
Springfield, MO—A local outdoor advertising company has engineered a breakthrough technology in billboard advertising: magic beans. Lamar Advertising Company has acquired the rights and patented the process for planting the mysterious seeds under an existing structure, which then produce an advertising message. “The outdoor advertising industry has been investigating new technologies for some time now. […]
Gigantic Postcard Lands in Southeast Springfield; Luke Wilson Arrested
Springfield, MO – Residents of southeast Springfield were greeted with calamitous surprise this morning. At approximately 7:25 a.m. a large quarter-mile sized postcard sliced through the Southern Hills neighborhood, crushing fourteen houses and damaging countless others. The massive postcard read, “Spring Has Sprung in Springfield Missouri,” accompanied by a picture of a flowering hillside. News […]
Man Claiming to Have “Moved On” Still Sends Drunk Texts to Ex
Springfield, MO – Kurt Finn, 29, of Nixa woke up on Saturday morning with a headache and these missed texts: WTF?, U left me!, and LOL! YOU ARE SUCH a F*@%! The night started out like any other Friday evening for Finn, at Trolley’s Grill & Bar in Springfield. He was enjoying some half-price apps […]
Loud Bang Caused By CU “Bang” Machine
Springfield, MO—A loud bang near Weaver and Golden was caused by City Utilities’ new “bang” machine. City Utilities maintains that the machine is operating properly and is in no way malfunctioning. “We purchased a 100 million dollar bang machine because our customers need to hear a spectacular noise from time to time. Who else is […]
Nixa Beckons the Internet Fairy
Nixa, MO—The City of Nixa hopes to get commercial high-grade internet service by installing internet fiber lines provided by the internet fairy. Currently, all members of the city council have written letters to the internet fairy asking for the speedy gift of transmitting large files, super-fast emails and quick screen load times. This idea started […]
New Teen Texting & Driving Ban Texted to Teens
Springfield, MO—Last Friday, Governor Jay Nixon sent 6,000 text messages to Springfield teens announcing the new ban in place barring teens from texting while driving. His message simply stated, “NEW BAN 4 TEENS HOO TEXT AN DRIV. DOAN BE DISTRACTD OR IMPAIRD WHILE OPERATIN UR VEHICLE. CALL ME LATR. GOV. NIXON.” State officials said the […]
MSU Receives Geek Grant for $248,000 Microscope
Springfield, MO—Biology, physics and chemistry geeks at Missouri State University “flipped their collective shiz-nit” upon learning they received a grant from the National Science Foundation to pay for a $248,350 microscope. Purchase of a state-of-the-art confocal microscopy system will occur during the fall semester. Upon hearing the news, MSU President Michael T. Nietzel said, “we […]
Closed-Captioning in Ozarks Courtrooms
Springfield, MO—Aaron Sachs, Springfield, Missouri Injury Attorney, has expanded his exclusive sponsorship of closed-captioning services on local television stations (KOLR-10, Ozarks Fox and KY3) in the Springfield Missouri Area to all courtrooms as well. Approximately 1 in 12 people, or criminals, have some sort of difficulty hearing or understanding speech or other sounds. This difficulty […]
Jason Takes Own Life Of Jason
Jason Wert, author of the blog site “Life of Jason,” announced Sunday that he will take the life out of his weblog and will no longer continue recording his thoughts, learnings and information in an online digital format. “I never would have thought Jason would be associated with blogicide. At least his blog wasn’t found […]
Man Arrested Collecting Fuel for Time Traveling Auto
JOPLIN, Mo.—A 48-year-old man from Webb City was arrested on charges of stealing restaurant grease. Joplin police said they saw Emmett Lathrop Brown Ph.D on Wednesday morning checking grease tanks at several restaurants and pumping grease out of at least one into a tank on his converted DeLorean. Police Cpl. Chuck Niess said Brown was […]
Tourists Can’t Find ProBass on GPS Unit
Springfield—Two local tourists, Hank Bigrow and Jimmy Flagger, took a special trip from their hometown to visit the granddaddy of outdoor sporting worlds on Tuesday. Problem was they couldn’t find it on their global positioning system they relied upon. “I’d never been to the area so I wasn’t sure where Pro Bass was located,” said […]
