All Entries in the "Entertainment" Category
Michael Buble Impregnates 80% of Women at JQH Arena
Springfield, MO—The soothing tones of crooner Michael Buble effectively impregnated a majority of the female audience during his performance at the Q this week. During the concert one female attendee was overheard screaming “Oh yes, yes, yes! His voice is throbbing inside of me!” before passing out on the concert floor from exhaustion. “Bubble-head [...]
Silver Dollar City Creates Genuine 1800’s Roller Coaster
Springfield, MO- Silver Dollar city revealed it’s new roller coaster “Guiteau’s Bullet” to the crowd of park patrons yesterday. The roller coaster, which reaches speeds of 8 miles per hour, was created and operated by technology only around the 1880’s. “We decided to put our silver coins where our chops is. We always boast [...]
Children Affected After Jump Mania Outbreak
Springfield, MO—Thousands of children in the Ozarks have been diagnosed with a certain psychiatric disease known only as “Jump Mania”. Children have been seen jumping uncontrollably across the city in grocery stores, libraries and schools at random. Dr. Rufus Sondgram said, “Jump Mania varies in intensity, from mild jump to full-blown mania with psychotic features [...]
Winter Bone’s Sequel: Summer’s Kidney Starts Filming In May
Forsyth, MO- Due to the critical success of the drama “Winter’s Bone”, filming for the sequel, Summer’s Kidney will start this May. The entire cast will return, stating “They left us in the Ozarks to die. Please someone help us. Call a limo.” Sources say the plot revolves around Ree trying to find a [...]
Snake Oil – May
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Royal Couple to Honeymoon in Branson
Branson, MO—According to Royal sources, William, Duke of Cambridge and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, are headed to Branson for their regal honeymoon this month. Catherine and William, who had been under a microscope by the wacky Royalists (those who fantasize about royalty) in the weeks leading up to their wedding, sought some privacy for [...]
Retired Playboy Bunnies Arrive for Easter Weekend
Springfield, MO—Retired Playboy Bunnies sprung up this morning across Springfield’s major intersections. The aged gals wore traditional Easter Bunny costumes announcing that the Holy Day was coming as if it were the end of the world. Most passerby’s simply honked in appreciation. One thoroughly surprised traveler was shocked when he stopped his car and [...]
Man Still Trying to Leave Rock’n Ribs
Springfield, MO—Local man, Charlie Swangar, is still attempting to leave the 12th Annual Rock’n Ribs BBQ Festival presented by the Rotary Clubs of Springfield. According to reports, Swanger entered the Bass Pro parking lot on Saturday April 16th and has been attempting to navigate his way out of the traffic for several days. “The [...]
Giant Cock Erected in Branson
Branson, MO-A giant white cock-a-doodle-doo has landed on Highway 76 in Branson at the Great American Steak & Chicken House which opened on Tuesday. Visitors who heard about the 43-foot tall structure wondered if it was indeed a colossus poultry or a monument to the male reproductive organ. “I heard it was a giant wiener, [...]
Snake Oil April
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Local Man Tries Too Hard on April Fools’ Day
Springfield, MO—Larry Hardy has successfully irritated everyone he came in contact with this first day of April by hoaxing, joking and generally displaying poor taste. His hijinks included a myriad of lies, outrageous claims and semi-serious statements to evoke a small bit of laughter to sooth his self-righteous sense of comedy. “I saw Larry [...]
Hologram Charlie Spoonhour to Coach Bears
Springfield, MO—Missouri State University Men’s Basketball team has a new leader on the court after the athletic department announced that they would be relying on a hologram of Charlie Spoonhour to coach the team. “It makes a lot of sense for us to bring back Coach Spoonhour, albeit as a digital projection of his [...]
Mother Nature Gives Cardinals Out
Springfield, MO—The St. Louis Cardinals canceled their exhibition game against Double-A Springfield set for Tuesday night at Hammons Field, citing an ominous possible defeat at the hands of the underling team. Tuesday’s match was set for 7:07 p.m. and officials expected to draw a sold-out crowd of more than 9,000 before the “big” Cards [...]
Meat Clothier Moves to Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Franc Fernandez, creator of Lady Gaga’s infamous “meat dress” was seen in downtown Springfield last week looking for studio space. According to sources close to the designer, Fernandez is looking to create more meat and animal inspired designs and therefore moving to the Midwest close to farmlands is a natural progression [...]
