All Entries in the "Sports" Category
NFL Uses Replacement Fans
Springfield, MO – The National Football League will open the regular season with replacement fans in the Ozarks on opening day. League executives told the 32 teams that negotiations remain at a standstill between the NFL and the officials’ union, prompting fans to be replaced week 1. The replacement fans will be in the stands […]
Highland Springs Accepts Zombie Members
Springfield, MO – Not to be outdone by Augusta National’s announcement of accepting two women into its club, Highland Springs Country Club (HSCC) is making headlines by accepting its first undead members. On Monday, two animated corpses–brought back to life by mystical means – were accepted into the fold. Hans Lumbering-Skullcracker and Lori Moldy-Armbiter were […]
Maroney Not Impressed with New SDC Ride
Branson, MO – Silver Dollar City’s new roller coaster, Outlaw Run, was met with a lukewarm reception by American gymnast McKayla Maroney this week. The $10 million wooden roller coaster should be open next year and Maroney was invited to get a sneak peek at the structure while under construction. According to reports, Outlaw will […]
FieldHouse Sportscenter Considers Name Change to CourtHouse
Springfield, MO – According to sources inside the FieldHouse Sportscenter, whose ground breaking ceremony recently occurred, many are considering including the word “court” in the name. Currently, the FieldHouse caters only to sports played on a court, not a field. “Basketball and volleyball are most certainly played on courts, not fields,” said one insider, John […]
Contagious Disease Night At Hammons Field Announced
Springfield, MO – Springfield Cardinals management announced the newest promotional night to be held next month formerly known as “Contagious Disease” night. It is a promotion that will allow any person with a contagious disease free admission to the stadium. Those who have photographs of themselves with a contagious disease will also be permitted admission. […]
Huge Freaking Cardinals Invade Springfield
Springfield, MO – Swarms of red-feathered beasts flocked into the Ozarks Monday evening, and collected at Hammons Field near downtown Springfield. “The big cards are here!” screamed Joey Huffington, an 8th grader who screeched his terrifying message while running hysterically from a nearby parking garage. According to sources, the large, flight-enabled monsters regularly appear around […]
Meat Locker Yoga Classes Begin in Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Yoga aficionados across the globe are looking to Southwest Missouri for a new form of inspirational stretching while being subjected to cold, freezing conditions known as Frozen Yoga. “I’ve never seen anything like it, very inspiring,” said highly respected yoga master B.K.S. Iyengar from his home in India. “Frozen Yoga is a […]
Manning Signs with Hillcrest High School
Springfield, MO – One day after being released by the Indianapolis Colts, future Hall-of-Famer Peyton Manning announced that he will sign with a local high school to continue his football career. “Over the years, Peyton has devoted time to work with local youth groups, he envisions his 2nd high school career as an extension of […]
DGB Chooses to Stay at HHS for 1 More Year
Springfield, MO – The nation’s number one high school recruit, Dorial Green-Beckham declared his intentions on national signing day with a stunning proclamation: to stay at Hillcrest High School for one more year before signing a letter of intent with an institute of higher learning. “DGB felt that he really needed more time to make […]
Don King Arrives in SGF 30 Minutes After His Hair
Springfield, MO – Don King’s hair arrived at the Springfield Branson Airport a full 30 minutes before the legendary boxing promoter. King was scheduled to arrive yesterday but was delayed when he leaned backwards and his hair fell 2 time zones behind him. “Only in America can a man be in 3 time zones at […]
Greene-Beckham in MOSHOF Class of 2012
Springfield, MO – In a surprise announcement Dorieal Green-Beckham has been added to the Missouri Sports Hall of Fame induction class of 2012. Panel members responsible for deciding the final candidates said, “Crap, we totally forgot about him.” Sources report that the MSHOF election committee was “focusing on older athletes, y’know those who have spent […]
Springfield Cardinals Extends Offer to Pujols
Springfield, MO – Jumping into the Albert Pujols race at the last minute is the local Texas League AA affiliate, the Springfield Cardinals. Following the revelation that the Miami Marlins dropped out of the race, the little Cards decided that they should join the Chicago Cubs, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and St. Louis Cardinals […]
Strafford Schools Adopt Chupacabra as School Mascot
Strafford, MO – After the recent capture of the mythical creature and cryptozoological wonder, the Chupacabra, Strafford school district has decided to adopt the creature as their newest mascot. “Known as the donkey-sucker, we thought it would be the perfect intimidation factor when we play our opponents on the athletic field or on the […]
Dorial Green-Beckham Catches Ball, Runs Length of United States
Springfield, MO – Hillcrest High School senior football wide receiver Dorial Green-Beckham broke a national record tonight by catching a slant pass and running to Washington State in record time. No other athlete has ever attempted this feat and DGB didn’t know that he had completed a record-breaking catch until he reached the Pacific […]
Shooting Range Hosts Gangsta Day
Ash Grove, MO – The Andy Dalton shooting range is vying to attract more urban sportsman by holding its first annual “Gangsta Days”. Younger shooters are increasingly hard to come by and the “Gansta Days” event is targeted at the youth of the Ozarks. “Inner city kids relate to Jay-Z, 50 Cent, and […]
