All Entries in the "Education" Category
Students Read, Drink and Make Love
Republic, MO—Local students have learned that by reading books they can learn how to get drunk, and live promiscuous lifestyles. Usually these traits are picked up genetically or by observing the behaviors of their parents. Fortunately, two communities in the Ozarks are providing safe havens for students who don’t want to learn about drinking and […]
Snuggies Allowed in R-12 Classrooms
Springfield MO - In an effort to reduce energy costs in the Springfield public schools, all teachers will be wearing the popular “Snuggie” in the classroom. “We recently sent out a memorandum stating that due to high energy consumption, personal space heaters, coffee makers, refrigerators, popcorn makers, and microwave ovens will no longer be allowed […]
Bed Bugs Bite; MSU Tuck-Ins Awesome
Springfield, MO—Missouri State University is addressing a growing pest concern by offering a “tuck-in” service for all students who are fighting with bed bugs. According to sources, a residence advisor will visit dorm rooms that are reporting pest problems, tuck each student into bed and recite the phrase, “sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs […]
Springfield Library Features Burning Books Display
Springfield, MO—The Springfield-Greene County Library District will unveil new burning books displays this week at its six campuses. A prominent endcap will be constructed in each location that will house several books set on fire in an attempt to educate the public on past book burnings. The burning of books has a long history as […]
Cup Thesis In Bridge’s Wire Fence
Springfield, MO – A local Missouri State University graduate student has been trying to complete his Master’s thesis for years now, and the end is not in sight. Dean Crayley has been a student at MSU for 20 years, 16 of which have been spent in pursuit of his graduate thesis. “I have the whole […]
Cute Girl Wants You to Stop Staring
Springfield, MO – Fed up with guys ogling her as she tries to study in Meyer Library at Missouri State University, the cute girl has had enough. In statements made today, the cute girl has publicly denounced guys that creepily stare at her. “I’m sorry, but it’s just weird whenever I look up from my […]
Candidate “C” Named As Finalist For MSU Presidential Job
Springfield, MO—Missouri State University has announced the first of 4 candidates, a Mr. “C”, as a finalist for their top job. FCN has learned Mr. C is rumored to have an uncanny resemblance and likeness to Dr. Richard “Dick” Head. Dr. Dick Head is getting considerable attention and buzz because he reportedly loves to attend […]
Evangel Guards Go Beyond God’s Armor
Springfield, MO— Evangel is the first university in the Ozarks to add lethal weaponry to their arsenal of first line defenders. For years the university had relied upon pieces of God’s Armor for protection, however, now the security officers are allowed to pack man-made heat. The University first bestowed crime-fighting technology upon its protection force […]
McGregor Students Find Where The Sidewalk Ends
Springfield, MO—Local students found that there is a place where the sidewalk ends, before the street begins and near where the grass grows soft and white, where a huge truck must have traversed the walk where they were consumed in plain sight. One McGregor student victim said, “Let us leave this place where the concrete […]
Ribbon Cutting Turns Ugly at New School
Springfield, MO—A planned celebration took a turn for the worse today as several children’s hair bows were snipped during the Hickory Hills ribbon cutting ceremony. The planned activities called for school district leaders to cut a gigantic blue ribbon to celebrate the LEED certified educational facility, unfortunately, several children were chased by parents and teachers […]
MSU to Sell JQH Arena, Cut Majors
Springfield, MO—In a bid to secure funding for 2010, Missouri State University president Michael Neitzel plans to sell university assets, the first to go is JQH arena. Said Neitzel, “I’m having our finance department run the numbers and we can get quite a bit of chump change for that airplane hangar on our campus.” When […]
Heer’s and Gillioz Buildings Sent to Remedial Spelling Classes
Springfield, MO—“It’s time we did something about it,” says Springfield Mayor Jim O’Neal. “We can’t continue to have these two institutions of Springfield telling children that you can get by without an education.” Beginning October 14th the Heer’s Building and Gillioz Theatre will attend Remedial Spelling and Society at nearby Bryan College. The six-week course […]
Obama Speech Warps Kids’ Minds to Think Independently
Springfield, MO—After hearing President Obama’s speech today, Ozarks children’s minds were warped to the point of thinking independently. The speech has caused a buzz around the area as some parents said they worried that the president is seeking to deliver a political message to young people so that their brainwashing efforts might be thwarted. Local […]
Crosslines Offers Mohawks for Middle Schoolers
Springfield, MO—The back-to-school event, “Mohawks for Middle Schoolers”, kicks into its 11th annual celebration today. Greene County children who will or currently attend a middle school are eligible to receive the hairstyle. Several dozen stylists will contribute their time and services to provide the mainstream fashion hairstyle free of charge. “The Mohawk is often dyed […]
Missourians Enjoy Tax Holiday
Springfield, MO—Missourians enjoyed a weekend without sales tax or self-control thanks to the Missouri tax holiday. Malls, shopping center, and retail stores were transformed from a peaceful shopping environments to a chaotic rampage that made the last chapter of Lord of the Flies look like the last chapter of Pride and Prejudice. The masses, drunk […]
