All Entries Tagged With: "sport"
Free Crowd Concussions Provided at Rugby Match
Springfield, MO – To commemorate the dedicated fans of Springfield Rugby Club, free concussions will be provided at this weekend’s last spring season game. After the match, players will make themselves available in a touch-and-feel scab booth where spectators can run their hands over scabbed knees, elbows and foreheads to better understand and appreciate the […]
Hologram Charlie Spoonhour to Coach Bears
Springfield, MO—Missouri State University Men’s Basketball team has a new leader on the court after the athletic department announced that they would be relying on a hologram of Charlie Spoonhour to coach the team. “It makes a lot of sense for us to bring back Coach Spoonhour, albeit as a digital projection of his […]
Priest Holmes Inducted Due to Fantasy Value
Springfield, MO—Former NFL running back, Priest Holmes was swarmed by uber-fantasy football geeks on Sunday eager to meet the man who propelled them to fantasy victories. This past weekend, Holmes was inducted into the Missouri Sports Hall of Fame for his contributions to fantasy football players in Missouri. Said one attendee, Norm Hamilton, “I had […]
Local Man Text Jinxes Bears
Springfield, MO—Local man Jacob Porter texted his fellow Alpha Kappa Gonga brothers at the end of the Missouri State Bears game with the phrase “Bears 2 win, fo sho” a mere 90 seconds before the end of the game effectively cursing the men’s basketball team to a road loss. “Everybody knows with the game on […]
Daly’s Pants Displayed at Murder Rock
Branson, MO – In honor of John Daly’s 6-under-par 66 in the first round of the Open Championship, his outrageous pants have been shipped directly to his Murder Rock Golf and Country Club in the Ozarks. Officially licensed replica trousers will be available for purchase in the coming weeks. “When John christened Murder Rock playing […]
Raw Emotion Contained By Cubicle
Springfield, MO—Randy Hulstalk* successfully contained his raw emotion for the US National soccer team within his cubicle Wednesday. During the USA v. Algeria FIFA World Cup game, Hulstalk secretly streamed the match on his computer monitor, a major violation of company office policies. He successfully stifled his screams, shouting and even pumped his arms in […]
Sumbitch Redneck Admits Soccer is “Entertaining”
Springfield, MO—Joe Marshall, local sumbitch redneck, admitted Saturday that watching the FIFA World Cup games were in fact “entertaining as greasin’ up a sow and sticking yams to her face.” Marshall spent Saturday afternoon watching the United States National team battle it out on the pitch with great enthusiasm. “I wuz watching our boys rip […]
Weatherman Steals Sportscaster’s Thunder
Springfield, MO—Amid threats of severe weather in the Ozarks, one local sportscaster once again lost airtime to boring weather updates. A stupid severe thunderstorm watch drained a local sportscaster of precious minutes to cover life changing events such as an almost perfect baseball game, the retirement of an aging baseball player and an update on […]
Brees Completes Speech with 98.4% QB Rating
Springfield, MO—Drew Brees recently spoke at the 14th Annual Steak & Steak Dinner to benefit the Boys & Girls Clubs of Springfield and completed an astonishing 70.6% of his speech with remarkable accuracy. The Super Bowl MVP set a franchise record for speaking in front of people eating steak while raising money for charity. The […]
NCAA Bracket Still Good For Something
Springfield, MO—According to reports, 9 out of 10 Ozarkers have a NCAA men’s basketball bracket that was rendered totally useless over the past weekend. Before scrapping the physical evidence of personal guessing stupidity, consider alternate uses for the “page of shame”. Locals have begun to ban together to add their brackets to the recycling center. […]
Office Worker Bets Future on NCAA Tourney
Springfield, MO—Stuck in a low income, dead-end job, Joan Embers has placed her children’s future on the results of the NCAA Men’s Tournament this week. Placing “$25,000 on a whim is stupid, but placing it on a sure winner is pure genius,” said Embers. According to Embers, she employed a sophisticated style of selection process […]
Hopes Dashed As Local Fraternity Learns Hurling Not An Olympic Event
Springfield, MO—A Missouri State University fraternity learned today their hurling team will not be allowed to participate in the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games. Rho Rho Rho chapter chairman Biff Martindink told FCN “we have been training for a long damn time and to have a bunch of maple leaf toteing thugs pull the rug […]
Springfield WolfPack Pick Up Larry Johnson
Springfield, MO—Team officials announced that the Springfield WolfPack will be picking up former Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson Jr. for the upcoming indoor football season. Head coach Mike Burris said, “we’re taking it one game at a time, LJ gives us a great chance to compete week in and week out.” Johnson was […]
Nationwide Tour Awaits Next Name Change
The Price Cutter Charity Championship enters its 20th year this summer at Highland Springs Country Club in Springfield awaiting yet another name change. Over the past twenty years the tournament has been know by several monikers including the Ben Hogan Tour, Nike Tour, Buy.com Tour and its current iteration named for Nationwide Insurance. “Well I […]
Lazers focused on Kournikova’s Wrist Action
Springfield, MO—The Springfield Lasers have forced the hand of Anna Kournikova (Анна Ку́рникова) as she has agreed to add a pre-match autograph session for all ages during Friday’s World Team Tennis match at Cooper Tennis Complex at an undisclosed location. Lasers spokesman Bob Nelson confirmed team officials couldn’t say when or where the session would […]
