All Entries in the "News" Category
Local Bar Adds Kids Area
Springfield MO.- The Boom Boom Room, a bar on North Glenstone Street, announced today it will add a play area for kids to enjoy while their adult guardians sit in the bar and get hammered. The play area will be a 1987 Ford Bronco that won’t start but will feature coloring books to give children [...]
MSU’s SOAR Tour a Grim Death March Due To Heat
Springfield, MO- Due to the incredible heat, MSU’s SOAR tours are transformed into grim death marches. The tours (to show upcoming freshmen where various campus buildings are located) are usually a pleasurable experience to the anxious pre-fresh, but now are seen as a hellish decent into the bowels of an inferno. “I am so excited [...]
Jesus returns, brings lawsuit against the Tea Party for Slander
The Son of God finally returned today but surprisingly it wasn’t rapture related. Rather than appearing in the sky with a herald of trumpeting angels his return was much less dramatic. He showed up at the Greene County courthouse with his attorney Bob “Chewie” Chewhauser in tow to file papers against the Tea Party for [...]
COPS shot in SGF
Springfield, MO—Witnesses claim that camera crews for the television show COPS was in town this past week riding with local law enforcement giving local peeps the opportunity to claim their own fame. According to police radio reports, at least six people had claimed that their “refrigerator was running”, 23 claims said folks were making [...]
Tea Party Rally at Party Cove
Anderson Hollow Cove, MO—To further the cause of the Tea Party, members decided to congregate at Lake of the Ozarks this summer to protest against government annoyances and oversights. Local Tea Party organizers always heard that Party Cove was a place where individual freedom is respected and Party Cove people are more open-minded that [...]
“BBC” and “CBC” Combine Into New “CBCBCB”
Springfield, MO – In a move to become more efficient, the Board of Governors for Baptist Bible College (BBC) and Central Bible College (CBC) voted unanimously to consolidate resources by merging into the larger CBCBCB. This act will save the two institutions millions in printing costs by reducing the 38 characters in both names down [...]
Japanese Strolling Gardens Ruined By Japanese Strolling Monster
Springfield, MO- What is a usually a calm experience, the Japanese strolling gardens erupted in slow paced chaos when the Koi fish pond was contaminated with toxic chemicals. After the contamination one fish (later named Koizilla) mutated into a medium sized fish monster. Because the creature was not used to walking on land, and [...]
Wilson’s Creek Tourist Totally Empathizes With Soldiers
Battlefield, MO- After taking a tour of Wilson’s Creek Battlefield many tourist feel exactly how the brave soldiers felt while fighting for their causes. While the tourist differ in gender, age, and station of life they all can agree on one thing: they have it just as tough as the soldiers did. “Am I [...]
Pitt Adopts Population of Joplin
Joplin, MO- Even though The Pitts donated thousands of dollars for the tornado relief effort, they still filed paperwork yesterday that make them adopted parents of every single resident of Joplin, Missouri. Once completed, the Joplin residents will move to either the Pitts home in California or Southern France (their home in New Orleans is [...]
New Motto for Greene County?
Springfield MO- The phrase “In God We Trust” may or may not become the official motto for Greene County. Commissioner Jim Byrock said that the county was prepared to have the phrase plastered around every empty space in all county buildings, when someone pointed out that in might be unconstitutional. “Our committee found that [...]
Sweltering Heat Places Ozarks in Slow Motion
Springfield, MO—Extreme temperatures have forced everyday folk to live their lives in an altered state of reality: slow motion. The burdening heat has forced Springfield residents’ movements to lag, speech to slur and general motion to be delayed. Said one local man, Nate Gringer, “Muhh llliiiifffeeee iiiiissss sssssooooo ssssssllllooooowwww” as his mouth struggled to [...]
Obama’s Unicorns to Clean Joplin
Joplin, MO—President Obama visited the tornado-ravaged, Jasper County town this week to offer handshakes, hugs and federal assistance in the form of his magical herd of unicorns. As the President spoke to a crowd of a few hundred people whimsical fairies flew from his coattails and spread pixie dust over those gathered. As the [...]
KY3 Changes Format to Cover KY News
Springfield, MO—After serving the Ozark Plateau area of Southwestern Missouri for over 50 years, local television station KY3 recently realized that the “KY” indicated that they should be reporting on news related to the state of Kentucky, not Southwest Missouri. Said the station general manager, “We were embarrassed and a lot surprised when one of [...]
Assessors Office to Accept Different Forms of Payment
Springfield MO – With the public outrage over the increase of personal property taxes, the Greene County Assessors office has come up with a plan to help people make the payments. Assessor Ric Kissington announced that the county will take as payment either gold or ground beef. “Seeing how property goes up and down [...]
National Bubba Day Sparks Riot at Walmart
Springfield Mo- As we all know June 2nd is the national celebration of Bubba day. Beet Farmers, Cattle Handlers, and other Bumpkins take the day off to remember loved ones and embrace the traditional family name that started right here in the Ozarks. The holiday started in 1862 by co-founders Bubba Jenkins and Bubba [...]
