All Entries Tagged With: "United States"
Springfield Police Disarm Man by Train Tracks
Springfield, MO – It was reported recently that Springfield City Police had disarmed a man near the train tracks on N. Kansas Expressway, in what was believed to be a stand-off. However, in a drastic and dyslexic turn of events, it was found that the man had actually been disarmed by the train itself according […]
Squirrels Express Themselves Via Pine Cones
Springfield, MO – Local squirrels busied themselves by creating a work of word art made from pine cones this past week – communicating an important message of “Booobz”. The pine cone script expressed several emotions by passerbys near the intersection of National and Bennett streets. “I was sitting inside Mexican Villa enjoying sweet sauce and […]
Farmer’s Market Throw-Down
Springfield, MO – GSFM has thrown down the gauntlet, tripped and stabbed themselves in the grass-fed heart following a unanimous decision among a limited group of short-sighted members (about 3 people). Following a closed vote where members were not allowed to voice their opinion, GSFM dictated that anyone wanting to participate in the Farmers Market […]
Kaleidoscope Pierces Building Just Because It Can
Springfield, MO – Local trend-setting retail shop Kaleidoscope pierced an entire building just because they can. The building piercing was executed under supervision of several construction supervisors and 2 health inspectors. The piercing was performed as a promotional event to emphasize how piercings can be applied just about anywhere. “Yeah I hired Kaleidoscope to pierce […]
John Q Hammons Secures Naming Rights to Self
Springfield, MO – John Q. Hammons has recently offered up, and subsequently secured the naming rights to himself, staffers close to the local entrepreneur and real estate magnate say. The negotiations regarding the name change were reportedly heated, involving several business leaders and major companies. In the end Hammons won out, and plans to enact […]
Man Drives MLK Bridge Over and Over for MLK Day
Springfield, MO – Local man Norm Hugefston decided to celebrate Martin Luther King Day by driving continuously over the Martin Luther King bridge for 8 hours. His trek was sponsored by several friends and neighbors and he raised at least $380.00 to contribute to the local chapter of the NCAAP. “I was wanting to do […]
Man Lost for Days Inside Battlefield Mall
Springfield, MO – Jerry Strafford spend the better part of a week trying to find his way out of the Battlefield Mall located in Springfield, MO. Strafford’s wife reported him missing after he went for a drink of water during a shopping spree to find him a new pair of jeans. The labyrinth of straight […]
No Pants Elevator Ride at Hammons Tower Today
Springfield, MO – The annual “no-pants elevator” event at Hammons Tower is scheduled to take place today to align with the NYC No Pants Subway ride coordinated by Improv Everywhere. The Ozarks do not have a subway system so the elevator ride up to the top of a large building is the best big city […]
Nixa Wookiee Sighted near Supercenter
Nixa, MO – Nixa shoppers received a shock Monday evening when several individuals reported a sighting of the legendary Nixa Wookiee in and around the Local Walmart Supercenter. Although the Nixa Wookiee has long enjoyed a position of prominence in local folklore, this is the first time in recent memory a sighting of the creature […]
Salvation Army Invades Iowa to Secure Funding
Springfield, MO – Citing a lack of donations, the local chapter of the Salvation Army has invaded Iowa to make up a 20% difference in fundraising this year. Red Kettle Special Forces landed on the ground a few days ago to secure additional funding for the agency. “Mission Bell Ringer is an attempt to bring […]
Copper Coin City opens at Former Red Roof Mall
Branson, MO – During a special meeting, the Branson Board of Aldermen approved the ownership transfer of Factory Merchants mall to the city paving the way to lease the land for Copper Coin City – a new theme park set in the Middle ages complete with a feudal system, Crusades, chivalry and courtly love. The […]
Following Thanksgiving Feast, Ozarkers Wake Early – Line Up for “Brown Friday”
Springfield, Mo – One day after gorging themselves with Thanksgiving fixin’s, many Ozarkers will take part in a pre-dawn ritual which will see them gathering in front of entrance doors with an excited urgency amid frenzied crowds. Anxiously, as if their lives depended on it, they will push and shove their way to the front […]
Local Gnome Humping Spree Spreads Gonorrhea
Springfield, MO – According to the Springfield Greene County Health Department, gonorrhea cases have increased a whopping 20% over the last month. Experts have identified the Gono-Gnome as the disease transmitter – a small sexually active beast that attacks teenagers, young adults and African Americans with little regard for safety or personal hygiene. […]
Goths Reintroduced to Downtown Square
Springfield, MO – The Missouri Department of Conservation has successfully baited and trapped 49 goths for reintroduction to their natural habitat on the downtown square. The goth population was temporarily removed while their homeland was undergoing improvements. According to reports, the department will test the goths for a series of diseases before the can […]
All Square Coverage, All Day Long
Springfield MO.- With the completion and opening of Park Central square in downtown Springfield, city officials have announced that a new television station that will broadcast 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, all the activities that will be occurring there. Tom Seeya spokesman for Springfield’s newest TV station KSQR, says their management which […]
