All Entries Tagged With: "recreation"
Squirrel Poachers Plague Nature Center
Springfield, MO- The elusive and endangered gray squirrel is on the brink of extinction thanks to a myriad of squirrel poachers illegally killing the peaceful creatures. The Springfield Nature Center is one of the only sanctuaries for these gentle giants, but even the Center cannot hold against the ruthless killers. “I don’t think the poachers […]
Local Crack Dealers Unnerved By Prostitution Ring Bust
Springfield, MO – With the recent big bust of a local prostitution ring at the much-heralded eyesore Landmark Building, some local crack dealers took the opportunity to chime in on the situation. “I tell you what, it’s a damn shame, the way this neighborhood has gone to the dogs,” said a dealer who goes only […]
Birth Celebrated By Smoking Bubble Gum Stogies
Springfield, MO—Following the birth of Nathan and Sandy Brody’s first son at St. John’s Hospital, a tobacco-free campus, celebrators were forced to smoke bubble gum cigars in the couple’s assigned room. “I was so excited to greet my new nephew that I purchased candy, er bubble gum cigars for the event. Given that you can’t […]
Ozarks Hunter Sees Five-Headed Buck
Springfield, MO—Local hunter Hal Nimmers said he saw a giant buck over the weekend but chose not to harvest the deer because he wanted to see “how big it’d be next year.” “I was in my tree stand when a giant five-headed deer came stomping through the brush, each head had at least 14 points. […]
Bass Pro Opens Bass Amateur
Springfield, MO – According to sources, Bass Pro shops has opened a pilot store in town targeting those who are not quite comfortable with their outdoor skills. Bass Amateur, or BassAm, is located on N. Campbell Avenue, next to the existing store. “BassAm is comfortable to me because I don’t have to pretend I know […]
Meth Addict Wins Costume Contest
Springfield, MO — Springfield’s first annual city-wide Halloween costume contest was held Halloween evening at Party City on Campbell. Hundreds of Springfield residents came to attend in hopes of winning the grand prize of $500 cash. The catch was that to be eligible to win the costume contest, one’s costume needed to be Missouri-themed—or even […]
FCN Employee Fired After Un-Funny Statement
Springfield MO - John Williams a 12 year employee of Fair City News was fired today for non funny statements made to a local television station. According to questionable sources John Williams was walking his dog in Phelps Grove Park when he was approached by a reporter from KOLR channel 10. The reporter asked him […]
Cider Days Enjoys Beautiful Weather; Artsfest Cursed
Springfield, MO—The Cider Days Festival enjoyed beautiful weather much to the dismay of Artsfest organizers this past weekend. Artsfest, which usually occurs on a rainy weekend has longed for a weekend such as this for their event to bask in. “I’m happy for Cider Days,” said an Artsfest committee member though clenched teeth. “I just […]
Several Men Arrested for Cougar Poaching
Springfield, MO—This past weekend, Battlefield Mall security apprehended at least eight suspects for cougar hunting out of season. Every year, on the first of August, the cougars tend to migrate back to retailers in an attempt to find good deals on clothing for their young. Known for their ferocious attitude, raw sex appeal and sixth […]
Public Helps City Identify Vacant Buildings
Springfield Mo.- City officials in the Building Services Department in Springfield Missouri say the public response to the call to locate and identify vacant buildings has caught them completely off guard. A recent editorial in a publication called the News- Leader urged the general public to call officials when they saw an abandoned building. “Our […]
Mannish Hula Dancer Lures Unsuspecting Customers
Springfield, MO—For 24 years, a local frozen treat wagon has employed a hauntingly mannish hula dancer, with enchanting dance moves and gyrations, to lure passing drivers to stop and purchase “whips” to nosh upon after the distracted drivers wreck their vehicles. According to lore, the dancing hula man-thing has distracted thousand of drivers to the […]
Man Seen Walking on Sunshine
Springfield, MO—Local man, Jerry Wades, was recently seen walking on Sunshine this week. Reports suggest that he wasn’t fully aware of his situation or the irony of his chosen mode of transportation. According to his good friend, Nora Billows, Wades had just received word that he was to receive a promotion at work and was […]
Dogs Benefit From New Hydrant Color
Springfield, MO—Neighborhood dogs are getting an upgrade that no one would have expected thanks to local firefighters efforts to make fire hydrants more visible. Teams are currently working to repaint all 7,000 hydrants with a brighter, more reflective paint, which will improve urinal locations for all canines. “I’m just so excited that the City is […]
Auto Magic Turns Subaru into Mercedes
Springfield, MO—A car wash customer has witnessed a modern-day miracle at a local wash-rinse-and-go business. Luell Johnagain drove his 1989 Subaru GL AWD Turbo Wagon and drove off with a Mercedes V10 Quad Turbo with a body made of white gold. All who witnessed the automotive magic were stunned and left in utter disbelief. According […]
Classic Car Owners Wave All Weekend
Springfield, MO—Drivers of classic cars spent a good deal of time this past weekend driving around town waving to each other. The friendly sign of acknowledgement was displayed whenever one driver of a historic vehicle crossed paths with another driver of a restored antiquated mode of transportation. The preferences for cars from a bygone era […]
